I know, I have been neglecting the blog again.
Never fear! Have surgery next week.
Surgery is always good for a few stories.
I would rather have vacation stories but, you know, surgery is a good runner up.
The surgery involves girlie things which is what this entry is about.
Girlie things.
So if you don't want to hear about girlie things, I advise you to skip down to an earlier entry.
Girlie things commencing in ...3...2...1
So my surgery is next Thursday.
The official name of the surgery is "Meddling With Girlie Parts Of An Unconscious Girlie" otherwise known as "Inappropriate Touching"
I am trying not to think about it too much as the whole ordeal is rather horrifying to me. Especially the needle bits.
During the surgery, my doctor thought it would be a good idea to insert an IUD, you know, while she is down there meddling anyway.
She wrote a prescription so that I could purchase the three-hundred-and-fucking-fifty dollar IUD beforehand and bring it with me.
Great.
I received a call today that it was in and I could come to pick it up.
Fabulous.
I drove down to the Pharmacy immediately. Lined up. Gave my name to the Pharmacist.
For those who don't know what an IUD is, It stands for Inter Uterine Device. It is supposed to be a teeny little device that fits discretely inside the uterus and fixes all sorts of problems.
Trouble free.
I had my first sign of trouble when the pharmacist reached down with both hands and a back brace to retrieve the device.
The package measured 1 inch by 5 inches by......EIGHTEEN INCHES long.
WHAT?
I gaped! I was gob smacked.
I laughed. She laughed.
I said. "Errr, I only need one."
She said, "Well, this is only one."
I said, "Do you know what this is for?"
she said "Yes I do. It's because it comes with an applicator."
I said "we're not harpooning a whale here."
I read the package, " IUD and IUD launching system"
...launching system.
They need a whole system?
Rocket assisted launching system?
I visualize the surgical team behind a barrier shield 20 feet away...counting down...Device aimed toward unconscious, prone girlie with legs spread ....and prepare for liftoff in 10, 9, 8....
Jesus, I'm starting to sweat.
I began to laugh ...hysterically.
They began to laugh, heartily.
I flip the package over and scan for warning labels.
Warning: This package contains a 250 PSI firing device. Do not aim toward eyes. Wear goggles and safety gear when using device. Do not attempt to use device while intoxicated.
Well, I bought it and opened it up to read the instructions when I got home.
..."Remove safety pin. Move activation collar to ON position. Verify LED illuminates or flashes"...
People, I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive about this.
Stay tuned, next blog update... the surgery.
What a cliff hanger!